I started off the day really well. I was determined to be in a good mood. I dropped the kids off at school and drove home singing. Prayed as I turned toward home today things are going to go well. It's just a matter of will, I just won't let anything get to me. God's got this. And I was sure he did. I am sure he does.
I came in the house and sat down and had a donut and checked out facebook. Drank some coffee. Then the Mr. asked me if I wanted to go somewhere. That usually means to an ocean somewhere, so I quickly said yes and put on my shoes. I have learned to never say no to a trip to the beach.
Sadly, it wasn't fifteen minutes after I got in the car that my mood changed. The Mr. and I began to argue and before we even pulled up into the parking area I was at my lowest. We just don't seem to be able to get along anymore. It didn't help that I felt justified in my anger and hopelessness. I got out of the car and slammed the door. Have a nice life! I yelled as I walked away, crying down the road, leaving him sitting in the car. I walked and cried for a quarter of a mile, at the end of the rope, and sanity hanging by a thread. Every once in a while I snapped a picture or two, but mostly I just cried. Finally I looped around, crossed the sand and approached the beach. It didn't do much to soothe me today. The surfers were out in multitudes. I could have had some great action shots, but I didn't even raise my camera. I just stumbled along, until I approached the turning point back to the car. The Mr. was in a better mood. He had been talking on the phone while waiting for me, with a lawyer from a big firm in Oakland. They are going to take our case, he said. It did nothing to dispel my mood. He tried to put his arms around me but I didn't really care.
Back home my foul mood continued. I didn't do any housework, just lay in bed and played Scrabble and wished I was somewhere else, anywhere else. I went to pick up the kids and just had a meltdown on the way. I cried out to God, and just broke. After we all got home, I did some more laying around, still no housework. Didn't cook dinner, either, just got out some leftovers and told everybody to feed themselves.
Finally late in the evening, while talking to my sis on the phone, I looked at my blog and realized there were some comments I had not seen. Usually there aren't any comments at all on the blog itself, unless I get some spam. This time there were four and they were all such encouraging words. I felt so unworthy. I had not been kind today, had not been tolerant, or loving, or long suffering...I had let the current situation push me a little too close to the edge of insanity and breakdown. I asked forgiveness from the Lord for my sinful attitude and then I went in the living room and kissed my husband on the head. Things have been peaceful every since, that peace I envisioned this morning finally here, although it is almost tomorrow now.
Thank you, Lord for bringing me back from the edge. Thank you for the blood shed by Jesus, which makes it possible for me to be forgiven, and that I am not locked into a life of sin and misery. I CAN be free and at peace. And thank you, Jesus for all the people praying and writing me encouraging words. They make all the difference in this battle. Amen.
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