Amazing Love

I have to be honest. I spent most of my life from my late teens into my early middle age falling in and out of relationship with God. In my teen years I was very faithful. I couldn't imagine a life without God as pilot and I walked with Him daily.
In my late teen years something got in the way though. I would say it was boys but the deeper truth is it was self. I found out when I became an adult that I could do
anything I pleased and so I began to please myself all the time. Even during the times of my deepest faithlessness though, God showed Himself faithful. Every time I called He was there and I could still hear Him speak on occasion. One time I was riding my motorcycle on the way to a friend's house and I picked up a fairly large branch. I could hear it dragging under the frame of my bike and finally had to get off and pull it out. As I did I could hear the voice of God speaking to my faithless heart. "This branch you are dragging along is just like your sin" He said to me. (Boy was He right!)
A few months later I did something very unwise. I drove that motorcycle out into the country on a snowy day to visit with some friends that I knew I should not hang out with. When I got there nobody was home so I waited. There were no cell phones in those days so I couldn't call anyone. I just sat there until it started to get dark. What I didn't realize was that the roads had frozen over. When I finally came to my senses and got on my bike to go home I realized I couldn't drive. I tried. I went about a mile slipping and sliding on the ice and fell off in the ditch about a hundred times. So I was stuck out in the country on a darkening January day with no phone and no way to get home. My bike was stuck in the ditch. I couldn't get it out no matter how hard I tried. I was so cold even my tears were frozen on my face. I began to panic. Then I did the only sensible thing that entire day, and probably that entire year. My faithless self asked God for help. About a minute later, as I was still standing there, the headlights of a car came around the curve behind me and slowed down. But it wasn't just any car, it was an El Camino, a car with an open bed in the back for the bike. It couldn't have been better. He slowed and asked me if I wanted a lift. In any normal situation this would have been a huge NO. However I knew without a doubt that this was the answer to my prayer. I didn't hesitate. He was kind enough to get out and put the bike in the back for me and then drive me all the way home. I don't remember anything else about that whole ride except the unbelievable feeling that rose in my chest as I saw the answer to my prayers come around that corner. There was something deep, deep, deep within me that understood that God had been faithful to me even in my deepest faithlessness.
His love for me is absurd, over the top, wonderful, amazing. And I did nothing to earn it.

Lord, I spent years literally spinning my wheels, never going anywhere with You. I lived only for myself. I thank you for being faithful when I didn't deserve it.I acknowledge that it was your grace that saved me. I pray now for anybody else who is struggling in this area. You are an amazing, amazing God. Amen.

The God of Wind and Rain

March 1985. I was a junior in high school. We lived in a very large twenties era house owned by a hotshot lawyer in town. The rent was a few days late and a sheriff came to the door to tell us we had to move in thirty days. This was on a Monday or a Tuesday. We thought we had plenty of time.
Friday, lunchtime. I was pondering participles in my English class when I was called out to the hallway. Somebody met me there and told me they had driven by my house and saw people throwing things out of the upstairs windows onto the lawn. I hurriedly ran to the phone and called Mom who came to get me. We frantically pulled up to the house just in time to see someone throwing one of my great grandmother's hurricane lamps out the window and onto the lawn below, which was littered with our belongings. The men were laughing at our anguish as they continued to toss things out the door and windows. Apparently they had been at it for some time because most of our things were outside. The refrigerator, the ancient upright piano, all of our clothes, record albums, food, everything thrown out on the lawn in a haphazard jumble. The men had been sent by the lawyer who had taken things into his own hands, unwilling to wait the full thirty days for us to move. They soon finished the job and drove off in a pick up truck, still laughing as we stood among the wreckage of our lives in the light drizzling rain.
By this time my sisters had arrived home from school and my mother had arranged for a place to move all of our stuff. Slowly, one pick up load at a time we began moving the things off of our lawn and into shelter.
In the early evening my aunt came over to help. We worked all night in the light drizzle until about midnight or one AM. My mom was off with the latest load and my sisters and aunt and I were standing together under the front porch awning. As we talked it began to pour. We still had a lot of stuff on the lawn and were very worried about everything getting wet. As we stood there my aunt began to pray. I will never forget it. "Lord, You are the God of the wind and rain and we ask You now to stop the rain until we can get all this stuff under shelter. In Jesus name. Amen." As we opened our eyes and lifted our heads the rain began to lift and then stopped. To say we were amazed would be a huge understatement. But there was more to come. A little while later the rain began to pour. She prayed a second time: "Lord again we ask you to stop the rain, in Jesus name." Again as we opened our eyes the rain stopped.
Mom came back; we loaded up the pick up for the umpteenth time and she left.
A while later the rain really began to come down. Again as we gathered under the porch she began to pray. This time though the rain did not lesson. Did God not hear us? Did He not choose to answer? Was our stuff going to be ruined? As we looked around we realized that every single thing left outside was now covered by plastic and not a thing was getting wet. Standing there under the front porch we were comforted by the presence of God in a very, very tangible way. In the midst of injustice and our temporary homelessness He was there.

This was a very difficult thing to write about. I really had to think about it before I began to type. It's very hard to relive the pain of that day; hard for me to relate it and I'm sure it will be hard for my family to read about. However, out of that dark, dark day came a revelation that God is who He says He is and it's worth the shaking hands on the keyboard and tears to let other people know. God is there. He cares. He loves. He IS.

The Faithfulness of God

The faithfulness and providence of God goes as far back in my life as I can remember. One example of this was the time I drove off from work with my purse on top of my car. I was working in San Diego and I lived about thirty minutes north of the city, in Escondido, Ca.
I got off work one afternoon, tired after a long day of selling pony beads and the newest thing in floral design; rubber flowers. (latex, if you want to be elegant about it).
I went out to my 1991 Ford Aerostar minivan and opened the door. I must have set my purse on the top and then just forgot about it. And then I drove away. Down the very busy highway 163 towards home and rest. (just for the record, remember that runaway tank in San Diego? the one you see on every single crazy car chase reality show on tv? that was the same highway. It is a major San Diego artery for traffic.)
Anyway, I got home, parked the van, and got out to go in the house. As I went in I realized I was a little light on the gear. Something was missing. I panicked as I thought back over the series of events in my head. After setting it on the car I didn't remember seeing my purse. I began to sweat as I did a mental inventory of all the things my purse contained. Basically my life. Credit cards, driver's license, money, and kid's pics. And my checkbook. You better believe I began praying like never before. "Lord, You are the finder of all things lost. I ask You now to bring my purse back to me, though I know it's against the odds, I believe You can do it. Amen. Then I waited. A half an hour went by. The phone rang. "Is this, uh, Julie? " "Yes, this is she", I replied, trying not to sound too anxious. I think my eyes were rolling back in my head with suspense, though. "Well, uh, I saw you drive off, and I saw your purse fall off of your car onto the side of the highway. I got out and I picked up all your stuff for you. It was scattered all over the road, but I think I got it all." "Wait a minute" I said. You mean you GOT OUT of your car on the side of highway 163 and picked up all my scattered stuff? I asked. "Yes, ma'am" was the answer.
I was dumbstruck. But there was more to come. "Do you work at Michael's?" He asked. "Why, yes, yes I do" I replied. "I work just across the sidewalk from you, in the train store directly opposite Michael's, in the same mall. I'll have it for you tomorrow, just step on over (about twenty feet from my store front) and pick it up." If I was speechless before I was absolutely astounded now. I was profuse in my thanks to the stranger who had gone out of his way, WAY out of his way, to help somebody else.
I stepped into the little railroad hobby shop the next day and met the stranger who had been so kind. Again I thanked him. Later as I went through the contents of my purse I realized that he had retrieved every single thing that had been in my purse, right down to the coupons for the grocery store. Every dollar was there. All my credit cards, my driver's license. My kids pictures. Completely intact. Even the checkbook he had used to get my phone number. Tears overwhelmed me then and threaten to spill over now as I remember the kindness of a stranger and the faithfulness of a God who would love me so much that he would answer my heartfelt prayer in such a miraculous way. Things like that are just not supposed to happen. But they did, and they still do, because we serve a miraculous, loving God, who is faithful to us to the end. And beyond.

Providence

Thank you, Lord for your great care for me. You knew what I needed before I knew I needed anything. Your kindness never fails to amaze me. I will worship You all the days of my life. When I awake your praise will already be on my lips and I will continually praise you throughout the day. You will be my last waking thought before I sleep and I will rest securely knowing I am in your care through the night. I love you, Lord.

About a month or so ago I needed my daughter's car keys from her room. It was early morning and I was in a hurry, so I just glanced around the room and grabbed the first set I saw. Right away I realized that they weren't what I was looking for, so I set them down and then saw the ones I needed on her desk, took them and went on my way with never another thought about it until this morning.

I didn't want to get up when the alarm went off but the new washer was going to be delivered today and I had to get everyone moving so I could be back here and ready for the delivery by 8 AM. I wasn't actually sure they would be here at that time, they hadn't been specific about it, but Murphy's Law says whatever time you aren't there is the time they will arrive. So I left the house @ 730 with the intention of coming right back after I dropped my aunt off at her friend's house.
We stopped at the ATM by my house for some cash but for "some reason" it was out of order. I knew the drive thru bank across the street was open at 730, so I pulled in there, but for "some reason" the hours have changed. Now they don't open until eight.
I decided that we would go to the gas station on the highway across the street from the high school. They have an ATM and I could get gas there too. I pulled in and my aunt went in to pay for the gas. I got out and fiddled with the passenger side window for a minute. The passenger side window has an electrical problem and once rolled down will not roll back up. My kids all know to never touch that switch because the door has to be taken apart to fix it but Ally accidentally hit the button yesterday rolled it halfway down. The chilly morning air was making it uncomfortable in the cab; so I popped the cover off the door and then the plastic switch cover off the wire. I needed a little leverage and inserted my truck key as a wedge, because it was in my hand and handy. Before I could finish, my aunt was back and we had to go, so I decided to work on it later. I popped it all back on really fast, pumped the gas and got back in the driver's seat. I pulled out the keys and as my glance fell on them my mouth dropped open. My truck key was broken in half.
Right at that moment my mind flashed back into my daughter's bedroom. In my mind I was looking for a set of keys and as I glanced at the set on her dresser I saw the extra set of truck keys, the one we had never used, on her key chain. (I wondered why she had them, our truck is a stick shift, and she has never driven it).
Back in the present, I looked out the back window and realized that we were right across the street from the high school. She would be in class right now, but I could have her come to the office and loan me her car for a few minutes. I looked at my aunt; said "I will be right back" then got out and walked across the street. They called her to the office, I borrowed her keys, and drove straight home. I walked in her room and there they were, exactly where they had been when I had actually seen them weeks or months ago, and exactly where my mind had placed them. I picked them up, drove back to the gas station, moved the truck into a parking space and out of the gas area, got back in the car, drove it back across the street and then walked back to the gas station.
As I walked across the street from the school to the gas station for the last time, I had goosebumps that weren't entirely from the chilly morning. If I hadn't had to go into her room to find her set of keys all those weeks ago, I would have never known where to find the ones I needed today. As long as I could remember we had almost never used those keys. I would have been clueless as to where to find them. If the ATM hadn't been down, and the drive thru hadn't been closed I would have been too far away to walk. God knew. He knew long before I did that I would do something stupid this morning (keys as a tool, I should know better) and fixed it before I ever-even-asked.
As I inserted the key into the ignition I looked at my aunt and said "Well, this has been a lesson in the providence of God!" She replied "yes it has!". With that we were on our way.
God is so good. I can't say it enough.

Stupid

Along with my self worth issues, or should I say contributing to my self worth issues was how I viewed my intelligence. My whole life, or most of it, I considered myself stupid.
In third grade it became apparent that I had some math issues. I was put in a remedial math class with a teacher named Miss Maxwell. She had short dark hair and I did not like her. We were studying multiplication and she gave us instructions for an assignment. As she was speaking I began daydreaming, staring off into space, thinking about anything but math. Nothing interested me less than math. She finished speaking and I continued staring off into nothingness. The next thing I knew she grabbed me up and was marching me to the office. I didn't know what I had done, but as she pulled me down the hall, she informed that I was being punished for "daydreaming". I was wearing a very short green corduroy dress with a wide seventies white collar and I became very afraid as she pulled out a big wooden board and began paddling my bottom. The dress did little to pad the blows. Neither did my thin cotton panties. I never forgot her, the math class, or the dress. Or how stupid I felt.
Fast forward two years. Different teacher, different school. Same feeling of stupid. I was in my second year of violin class and I had a secret which I carefully guarded for fear of shame that anyone would find out. I couldn't read the music. For two years I had "winged" it, listening carefully to the sound of the song as played by others and according to how I knew the tune went and duplicating that on my violin.
One day though, she finally caught on to me. Unfortunately it was in the middle of class. When she realized that I didn't know the music for the upcoming spring concert she just kind of stood back and regarded me through those big glasses of hers and then at last she spoke. "You can't be in the program" she said. I looked down at my violin as the tears came. So much shame. Stupid closed in on me and made me feel so worthless. I think in the end she did let me perform with the class for the program but after the year was over a few weeks later I never picked up the violin again, and music to me was a closed world.
Fast forward again, about twelve years. Stupid has followed me all the way through high school and intimidated me into not going to college. Instead I take a job at Jack in the Box. After a year of working there on the graveyard shift I am offered the position of shift leader. I have to go to "shift leader school" and take some classes and tests. It is while I am there that the shackles of stupid begin to loosen and I finally realize that things might not be as I supposed all these years. I take a test and hand it in to the teacher. I am the first one done. The test was easy. I had been ready for it for a week. After I hand it in he takes a minute to grade it and then says to me "I have never had someone turn this in so fast and get them all right". He has no idea the cataclysmic bomb this sets off in my mind. Simple words, but all of a sudden I realize that maybe I'm not as stupid as I think. In my mind I see a bird fly out of a rusty cage. I feel free. Little do I know that there is more freedom to be had.
One day my aunt, who has inherited my grandfather's 1949 Flat top "Texan" Epiphone guitar, asks me if I would like to have it. I jump at the offer. I have always loved guitar, have always wanted to learn how to play it, but as I mentioned earlier, it was just a shut off world to me.
The guitar sat in my house for a few months until one day I picked it up and began to pluck the strings aimlessly. I realize that it is a useless gift unless I learn how to play it. I go to the store and buy "Guitar for Dummies" and check out some stuff from the library. At first I don't get it. I sound terrible and I'm slow. Can't make it sound like music. But I keep trying. After about a month I have learned three or four chords. I open the book and try a song. It sounds awful. I try another song, this one is Yankee Doodle Dandy. I pluck the strings, and all of a sudden I realize I am playing a recognizable tune! I am absolutely elated. Can't believe it! The doors of the music world, if not thrown wide open are at least open a crack. Stupid begins to lose its hold on me at last. But there is more to come.
Ten years later I begin to attend a church function. It's actually a weekly prayer meeting. I love the ladies. I love to pray with them. On this particular day, however, I make a joke that really isn't funny. It's...stupid. The joke falls flat. One of the ladies criticizes sharply and I begin to cry. I can't stop myself. I become hysterical and I don't know why. Two hours later I am still crying. I am at home. Still crying. Doing laundry I think to myself "I haven't felt this stupid since...since...violin class in the fifth grade..." All of a sudden it becomes clear to me. Stupid is from Satan. It is not just a word it is a tangible thing. And it's not who God says I am. God has never called me stupid, he calls me friend! The tears immediately stop. I am instantly OK again. Putting down the laundry I run upstairs and get on the computer. I look up the word and am amazed at what I read.

From Webster's dictionary. Stupid: Slow of mind. OBTUSE.

I wonder about the all caps word Obtuse. I look it up. Not pointed or acute. BLUNT.

But its what it says about the origin of the word that takes my breath away. This is what really got me.

Middle English, from Latin obtusus blunt, dull, from past participle of obtundere to beat against, blunt, from ob- against + tundere to beat

The words "to beat against" bring tears to my eyes because that sums it up exactly. All these years every single time I did something wrong, made a mistake, said the wrong thing I could hear the word STUPID STUPID STUPID pounding in my head. Beating me into dullness. Intimidating me into being less than I could be for fear of failure and being found stupid.

I realized that I had a spiritual problem. It began the day the teacher told me I couldn't be in the program. She laid a mantle of stupid on me even though she never uttered the word and I wore it all my life. For a long time I was angry with her for her lack of sensitivity. What kind of a teacher chastises a student in front of the other kids? But then I realized I bear a portion of the blame. I was a child when she spoke those words. But I grew up. And I still wore the label. I allowed myself to believe the lie. Bought into it without ever questioning it, never realizing that God had never spoken that over me.

I spoke to that spirit of Stupid. I told it to go away in the name of Jesus. I asked God's forgiveness for my belief in it. And I was free.

A few weeks later I saw a lady on TV who captured my attention. Completely. It was Intervention and she needed help. Oh how she needed help. She was shown on the previews hitting herself. Beating herself up with her hairbrush, her fists, whatever she could find to punish herself. As she beat herself she repeated the mantra "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" Goosebumps prickled my skin. I had empathy for that woman like I had never felt for anyone before. I began to pray for her. I know, I know, its TV, but another secret of mine is that I sometimes pray for the people I see on TV. My heart went out to her. If only she could know how much God loves her. If only we could ALL know how much God loves us. It would change our perspectives about ourselves completely and totally forever.

He's got the Whole World...In His Hands...

I hurried into the library to return a long overdue book. As I laid the book on the counter and turned to leave I was arrested by this month's featured display in the curio cabinet. It was of several different types of globes. There at the top was a small globe bank identical to the one I had as a child. I often wondered, out of all the toys I had, what happened to this one?
When I was a child it meant little to me. Just one toy among many. It wasn't until I was grown and it was long gone that I became attached to it.
I must have been about eight years old. I don't know why I was looking for it. I remember walking all around our suburban ranch style house looking here, looking there. I checked all the usual places, in the toybox, under the bed but it was nowhere to be found. Suddenly the solution came to me. I knew exactly what I should do in this situation. I stopped walking and right in the middle of the hall I closed my eight year old eyes and prayed. "Jesus, will you please help me find my piggybank". I stood there for a minute longer and then a picture came to my mind of where it was. I "saw it" under my dad's overstuffed naugahide chair in the living room. Without wasting another minute I walked straight over to the chair, bent down and retrieved the piggybank . I said a quick "thank you" under my breath and went on about the business of being a kid. There was no noise, no fanfare, nothing that would tell me I had just embarked on the journey of a lifetime with the One who had created me, although I'm sure the angels in Heaven must have been making a deafening racket in their delirium of joy.
It would be another year or so before I would kneel with my Auntie on the orange shag carpet (with hands folded on the shiny yellow vinyl couch) in her house and ask Jesus to "come into my heart" and another year or so after that before I realized the significance of that prayer. When I finally came to that realization my whole life turned upside down. Or should I say my upside down world suddenly turned right side up, just like that little globe when I was through shaking all of the pennies out of it.