I had a conversation with the Lord last week. It went like this. You know, this situation is getting tougher and tougher, but I'm sticking my toes in the dirt. Just like Job, who said "Even if you kill me, I will still trust you, Lord" I'm going to stand on that. I'm gonna trust you NO MATTER WHAT.
Here it is seven days later. I am sitting in my living room, and I am sure God has abandoned me. Certain he is not going to save our skins this time.
We are down to the final hour. We have to make a decision today about whether we are staying here in California, or moving back home. We have been going back and forth about what to do for several weeks and it has all come down to today. Now.
We know we are not ready to move back home. Our kids are in school. Matt is graduating. How fair is it to yank him out of school in the middle of his senior year and drag him back. The thing is, that he is one credit shy of graduating in the high school back home. Here he has enough. Here he is doing well. He made the honor roll this week. And I want my son to graduate. I am determined to see my son cross that stage.
The best thing to do would be to wait til spring. But with no job, we just don't know if that is possible. The Mr. has been looking, I have been looking, but nothing yet. We still don't know if he is going to get unemployment. Our families have been absolutely amazing, wonderful. But we don't expect them to support us. We need to figure something out. Fast. And in addition to trying to find work we have been conversing with a lawyer about our employment case. At first we were really hopeful that they would take it. Then they started waffling. To say this was disappointing would be a huge understatement.
We both woke up knowing that today was the day we would find out what their decision was on that, and also the day we would find out about the unemployment. Those two things would determine whether we would stay out here, and finish what we started, or come home regretful, in tears, "broke, disgusted, and busted". (As my pastor would say.) I just couldn't imagine God would want us coming home "broke, disgusted, and busted." If I believed what I thought God had told me when I moved out here, that God would bring us back with joy and blessing, not sorrow and poverty, then how could this be happening? (It seemed like a dream, too good to be true, when God returned Zion's exiles. We laughed, we sang, we couldn't believe our good fortune. We were the talk of the nations--"God was wonderful to them!" God was wonderful to us; we are one happy people. And now, God, do it again--bring rain to our drought stricken lives. So those who planted their crops in despair will shout hurrahs at the harvest, So those who went off with heavy hearts will come home laughing, with armloads of blessings.)
I spent the morning on the couch in my pjs, watching the news and playing endless games of scrabble. I really wasn't interested in playing. Maven (my computer opponent) beat me again and again but I just didn't care. I wanted the time to speed by until we just know something. It's the not knowing that is just killing me. I looked at my email every ten minutes to see if there was any news, like a job or something.
By noon I was a wreck. I knew the lawyer wasn't going to take the case. I knew we were going to have to start packing. I knew God had abandoned us. Where was the strong Christian of last week? Where was the girl who was digging her feet in with stubbornness? The woman who would not give in to the faith crisis, but always held onto hope that God would deliver no matter what? I even said it God, I know you are an eleven fifty nine God, but it's Twelve Oh one, and you aren't here! All kinds of things were going through my mind. I must have been crazy to think you asked me to come out here. If you had led, you would have provided. Where did I miss you, God? I should have stayed home, in my house, safe. I would not be stranded in another state with my family and everything I have, unemployed, tired, and worn out, while half my life is still in Texas. I even told myself I will never tell anybody I "heard" from God regarding anything again. It's clear that I missed the mark. The more I allowed these thoughts, the more I worked myself into a panicked state.
Then the phone rang. It was the food stamp office and they were denying our claim. It wasn't that I wanted food stamps. God knows I don't. It wasn't even that they were denying it. I don't care about that. It was just the end. I just gave up and freaked out. I gave the phone to the Mr. and when he hung up he asked why they had called me. I said, they couldn't reach you. I wonder if you have missed any other calls. But he was way ahead of me, and was already on the phone.
He had missed a call from the lawyer. He was already dialing. My heart was in the dirt. I was waiting for the no and the thumbs down. There were voices. And then there was a smile. And a thumbs up.
And instead of the no I had expected, it was yes!. Now I was crying, but they were tears of joy, and I was so ashamed. I wish I could say that I hadn't doubted. I wish I could say that my faith held out like Job's. But it didn't. My heart failed. I bowed my head and asked forgiveness for my faithlessness. And I knew, that even though I was full of doubts, he was right here all along, right beside me on that couch while I cried away the last of my fortitude.
So for now, we are here. We still don't know about the unemployment, but that's OK. I will keep praying for the things I have been praying for. We may reach this crossroads again in the future. Maybe even the very near future. Hopefully I will remember then what I learned today. Keep on keeping on. Don't give up at the eleventh hour, the twelfth hour, even if you think it's twelve-oh-one. Your Daddy will never let your foot slip. He will bring you home, but it will be at the right time.
Lord, I thank you that even when my faith fails, you are still good. You are still God and you still love me. Help me to remember that you haven't ever failed me in the past, and that you didn't fail me today, and to believe that you will never fail me in the future.
I look up to the mountains; does my strength come from mountains?
No, my strength comes from God, who made heaven, and earth, and mountains.
He won't let you stumble, your Guardian God won't fall asleep.
Not on your life!
Israel's Guardian will never doze or sleep.
God's your Guardian, right at your side to protect you-shielding you from sunstroke
sheltering you from moonstroke.
God guards you from every evil, he guards your very life.
He guards you when you leave and when you return.
He guards you now, He guards you always.
Psalm 121
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