There have been (many) times when I have asked myself if I am crazy for my beliefs. Am I delusional and just talking to myself or is there a God who really hears me and answers my prayers? Always quick on the heels of the self questioning is the assurance that I am not nuts. A little eccentric maybe, but not out of my mind. I think back over all the times God has been faithful to me in the past and I am reassured. There are some areas in my life that need some work, however, and one of those areas is trusting God with my finances.
When we moved into our home eight years ago it was a good move financially. Our previous rent was actually more than our mortgage is now. The utilities weren't too high, except for the electric bill which was about three hundred dollars a month. Within a few years though, the electric bill shot up to 650 dollars (heart attack!) and credit cards had accumulated. Dr bills were coming out of the woodwork and I began to really, really worry. Add to that the fact that my husband's employer decided he needed to travel full time, five days a week, all year long, so he was gone all the time. Add to that his health has begun to deteriorate. And then my sister in law became ill with cancer. She was only 41. I prayed for her every day. Earnestly. But she died. I mourned and didn't understand. I wept for my family's loss. At that time I began to go through a valley of doubt. God are you hearing me? It felt like the world was coming down on me. During this time I continued to pray, continued to read my Bible, continued to go to church and participate in church activities. I sensed that the Lord was walking through this valley of doubt with me, as strange as that sounds. I went forward for prayer during one service and the man praying for me stepped back and looked at me and said "Whew, you are under a heavy burden, a huge weight." I almost started crying. If he only knew.
And the financial difficulties kept coming. My husband broke a tooth. Our car needed work. I got a ticket for driving around a barricade. We were broke all the time. Where was God in all this? I asked Him frequently. But I didn't hear from Him. Or did I?
I realized when I thought back over the whole thing that there were small blessings interspersed with the difficulties. I could take defensive driving and the ticket would only be a hundred bucks, instead of three hundred. My husband got a bonus. A couple of the Dr bills were eliminated because they had wrongly billed us intead of the the insurance company. My daughter received a scholarship to college for graduating in the top ten of her class.
But we were still broke. One day I checked my bank account and literally had a panic attack as I realized we only had a hundred bucks and ten days to go until payday. It was impossible. I had a private meltdown with God. I pointblank asked him are you for real God? I sure hope so because if not I have wasted my entire life. If you are for real then why is this happening? What am I doing wrong? In the tumult of my emotions I heard His quiet voice. He said look again. I continued to cry and He gently persisted. Look again. I got up to open my computer again, telling myself it was useless, the numbers will still be the same. I logged on and looked at the numbers. Yep. Still the same. I looked a little closer. Then I realized I had made some errors. I looked again, still more errors. Within a minute I had tripled the amount in my bank account. At that moment the shadow of the doubt I had been walking under for so long completely went away and once again I was reassured of God's provision for me, not so much because there was now more money in the bank, but because I had heard Him speak to me about it. There was now no doubt that I was not just hanging out to dry for nothing but I was still in the midst of His plan. I also had a flash of realization of how much I was like the doubting Peter in the Biblical story of the overwhelming catch that broke their nets. Peter and the gang had been fishing all night on the lake and caught nothing. Their bank account was empty. Along comes Jesus and tells them to go out into deeper water and cast again. Peter argues with Him, saying we fished all night, we caught nothing. Jesus says throw out your nets again. Peter reluctantly does what he says, you know he is frowning and irritated, and probably giving Jesus dirty looks out of the corner of his eye, but then the net goes under and begins to break and all of a sudden Peter overcome with amazement at the catch and begins to worship Jesus and then drops his nets and leaves it all to follow Christ.
I am filled with a new reassurance of God's care. Not just financially but in every area of my life. I can now pray with renewed faith for my sister and the outcome of her divorce and custody trial. For my other sister and her health issues. For my other friends with health problems. For my husband's job and for his health problems. For my kids. The lesson learned through all this really had nothing at all to do with finances and everything to do with learning to trust with all my heart and in every area of my life. I may never understand why my sister in law passed away, but I can let God bear the burden of my sorrow and my questions about it as well.
We don't yet see things clearly. We are squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it as clearly as God sees us, knowing Him directly, just as He knows us. 1 Corinthians 13:12 (The Message)
Friend, I can't wait for that day.
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