And I have asked myself a few times Where is my Christmas Spirit? I just have had a hard time drumming it up, though the carols are playing in the background, and there is enough gift wrap and ribbon to wrap my entire house in. The tears have come too often.
It was on one of those days that I found myself thinking about it at three in the morning. The Mr. and I had had words, and I was ruminating on them. The weight was too much. So there in the middle of my bed, in the middle of the night, I gave all of the negative, all the things that had me down to the Lord. I forgave the Mr., and asked forgiveness for my part in the whole sad debacle.
Instantly there was total peace. And then I had an epiphany. I had been trying to manufacture the "Christmas Spirit" and had miserably failed. Even though my spirits may have been temporarily lifted, it wasn't long before I was in the dumps again. But that peace that came, that total peace that is beyond human understanding spelled it out for me, the heart of the Christmas Spirit. Christ came as a sacrifice that we might obtain forgiveness and forgive others in turn.
The Lord's prayer comes to mind. Forgive us out trespasses as we forgive those that have trespassed against us...
And so I found what I have been lacking this whole Christmas season, and let me tell you it is glorious.
The Mr. and I woke up very, very early this morning. I was awake at three thirty, and he was awake at four thirty. We got up and had coffee and then crashed for a couple of hours, waking up just in time to get dressed and run out the door to get the girls for church. They were so very lovely in their Christmas dresses, hair styled with Christmas bows, and those gold, gold, shoes. They were practicing walking "like princesses" in their new heels, carefully over the ruts and cracks in the church parking lot. We sat down in our usual place and then the girls' teacher came over and told us that the pastor was going to call all the children to sit on the stage during the service, while he told them the Christmas story. Arya did not feel comfortable going to the stage, but Claire was all about it. I watched her in her little heels and her beautiful green sequin Christmas dress as she carefully ascended the stage and had a seat on a little pillow. Occasionally she would look over at us and we would wave at her. My heart swelled and I had to hold back the tears. We are so blessed, the Mr. and I. Arya and I sat side by side, and she wrapped herself up in my shawl and we sang Christmas carols. Afterwards we took the girls for an Italian lunch until both girls starting feeling unwell, Claire said her nose hurt, probably a residual from being sick, and Arya said her tummy hurt, probably because of the sheer amount of salad she ate. I have never seen a girl who loved salad so much. That was all she wanted. No pizza, no spaghetti, no chicken nuggets. Just a salad.
On the way out of the restaurant we had our first high heel open toe casualty. Arya accidentally stepped on Claire's toes (All of them! she wailed) So there we were in the restaurant, with Claire laying on the floor, crying loudly, and we weren't exactly sure what happened, initially. A nice lady moved over in her booth so Claire could sit for a second while I checked her out. Fortunately, by the time we got to the door she was fine. No blood. We dropped them off and came home and in the quietness of the house, and with the fact that we had been up for a very long time, I crashed. Clean out. I woke up a long time later and then quickly tackled all the chores on the list I had made earlier. Tomorrow I am going to spend some time with Auntie Kathy, and on Tues we are going to see Dad for Christmas and take him out to eat for his birthday. We will be back on Christmas Eve. It's going to be a busy, busy few days, but I won't be forgetting about what it means to have the Spirit of Christmas. I will be quicker to forgive, and slower to anger, and full of gratitude for all God has blessed me with.
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