Oceans

I have written about the song Oceans by Hillside, before. This is not really about the song, but about the one lyric in the song that haunts me. I think about it almost every day. Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you may call me...It's the "trust without borders" line that gets me every time. Such a dangerous prayer. It has become the question of my life. How do I trust you, completely, God, without reserve, without fear, holding nothing back.
Without fear. Because I, who have never been afraid of anything (except big hairy spiders) find myself very afraid. I am afraid something will happen to one of my children.  I am coming to terms with the fact that I cannot keep my kids safe from all harm. It was easier when they were little. Not so much now. That fear is the main reason my 18 year old hasn't even begun to drive. I have realized I am keeping them from living their lives because I am afraid they will be hurt. (I even tried to talk Matt into letting me drive him and his buddies to Sherman to go shopping, so he wouldn't have to drive. Couldn't imagine why they didn't take me up on that. I mean, doesn't every 21 year old need his mommy to take him shopping with his buddies?) The fear is crippling at times, both to me, and to my family. One time, hearing that there was an accident on hwy 121, I actually left my house and drove to my son's work to make sure he was there, and not in that accident. Sometimes the fear makes me do ridiculous things.

I am afraid my husband will lose his job again. And bizarrely, I have even become terrified to fly, which is difficult, because for the time being the Mr. is living and working in Vegas. If we want to see each other, one of us is going to have to fly and it can't always be him.
And it isn't that my fears are unfounded. Things have happened. My kids have both been in major accidents in the last year. Matt, driving home from Sherman, hit a guardrail at 75 mph, and Katie t-boned someone who made an illegal left turn, at 65 mph coming home from work late one night. The Mr. lost his job three times in the last four years. We have been through financial devastation. I am afraid we could go through it again. I have been through some rough weather in the sky, and some hard landings. Most of the things that keep me up at night worrying are things that have happened to me before. I am so afraid they will happen again.
I am even afraid for my dogs. They are like children to me. I love them so much. They have both been run over. They have escaped the fence while I was in another state and were found down on the courthouse lawn. There was nothing I could do about that but watch on Facebook, as people volunteered to take them home if they weren't claimed. (Fortunately my daughter's mother in law saw them on the Facebook page and called my son in law to come get them.)
I have dreams sometimes that they have been run over by the UPS truck, are attacked by big dogs, or that I have to wrestle them away from giant snakes. (I know, right? What the heck kind of dream was THAT?) I cry when I leave them. (Just being transparent, here.) I'm a big baby when it comes to the dogs.

I started to write this blog several days ago and had to stop because the fear overcame me.
The song is a hard one for me to sing. These words are hard for me to write. The bold statement of faith is a scary one. To raise your voice and speak out that God is faithful no matter what, when you know what the what is, or when you don't know yet what the what will be, to me is at the very precipice of Christianity. You have to make that leap. Jump off into the deep. Take me deeper than my feet will ever wander...Whew...almost afraid to even utter that line. The fear of What Could Be (or conversely, what might not happen when you have been hoping for something for so long) is strong.

I remember one night about three years ago, coming home from a photo club meeting. I was having the best night of my life. The club had just voted me president, I had been in the paper as the artist of the month for the local art gallery. I was in the middle of redecorating my room the way I had always imagined I wanted it to be. Things couldn't be better. I had a conversation with God as I was driving the two minute drive from the gallery to home. I said Lord, you are so faithful. You have brought us so far (from the last set of employment troubles we had had) I believe with all my heart that if unemployment happened again, you would bring us through it. One minute later I was home, and met with the news that my husband had been frantically trying to reach me from Washington where he was working. My phone had been on silent.
I dialed the number and heard with shock the words I hoped I would never hear again. I lost my job. I'm coming home. 
God had taken me up on words. I don't believe God caused him to lose his job because of my statement (he had already lost his job when I made the statement.) But I believe it was to be a time of testing for me. You said you would trust me. Let me teach you how to follow through on that. Through the next two years my human flesh failed a lot. My faith faltered. I went down a couple of times. Yet, in spite of my human failings, God was completely faithful to me. He said we would get us through the crucible of unemployment and eventually He did.
But since that time (again, being honest here) I have been afraid to say out loud that I trust without borders. And that boils down to fear.

So what do I do with all this fear? I am honest with Him and acknowledge that I am afraid. And I pray. A lot. I wake in the night and pray when I know my daughter is on her way home from work, or going to work at 3 AM. (My heart almost stops when she tells me she has been falling asleep on the way to work.) I pray when my son drives out of the driveway or when I notice his car is gone. I pray for my husband to love his job. And for the people he works with to love him. I pray for safe flights and safe landings. And I have to believe in the goodness of God (deep breath here, jumping off) even if and when bad things happen. 
Because I truly believe He has a plan. Don't get me wrong, I do NOT believe that God makes bad things happen. I believe that life happens to us, some good, some awful. It's just life.
We go through bad things and hard times. It's part of being human. Rain falling on the just and the unjust. It's a tough thing to do, trusting God without reservation. I could hear God saying to me, when we went through our employment troubles (in the voice of Lynn Anderson, of course) I beg your pardon...I never promised you a rose garden...Along with the sunshine...there's got to be a little rain, sometimes...
Sometimes there is Biblical truth in an old country song.

We have just got to believe that God is good. All the time. Even in the rain. Even when fear overtakes us. Even when we wake at night sweating and heart pounding. We have got to push through that, pray, pray, pray...God will bring peace. Things can and do happen. But God is always good.