God's Birthday Gift to me.

I couldn't believe it. I had only been married for a month. I looked at the pregnancy test with complete disbelief and fear. Fear of the unknown. How would we support her? I didn't know anything about babies. Tempered with the fear was a fierce determination just one minute old that I would give her a good life. That I would take care of her, love her with everything I had in me, and let her know of that love every single day of my life. She was born the following winter, three hours before my 25th bday and her advent changed my life. Formerly I had been all about myself. What I would eat. What I would wear. Where I would go. Now I took a back seat to this tiny little bundle of pink cheeks, blue eyes (at the time) and tiny fingers.

I remember thinking to myself when she was about two weeks old This motherhood thing is a piece of cake. Who knew this could be so easy?  Now I look back and I laugh my stupid head off at myself. There is nothing easy about motherhood. Bathing and dressing the baby and taking her out for walks is the easiest thing in the world. Of course at this time I had only her, and she had all my time, so it really wasn't difficult.
We were such novices. At her two week appointment we left the diaper bag in the car. Stupid, rookie move. As soon as we got in the room she started crying and wouldn't stop. The Mr. was debating going out to get it when the Dr. came in. He took off her diaper and she peed all over the table, and then we broke the news that we didn't have a back up diaper. As he called the nurse to bring one in, her belly button started bleeding. She was still screaming from hunger and I could see the doubt in the Dr.s eyes concerning our parenting skills.
But we learned and she grew. The years literally flew by. Kindergarten, first grade, sixth, seventh and then she was in high school.  I blinked and her childhood was gone. It seemed just a moment from the time she was born until she stood before me in cap and gown, beautiful and smart and ready to tackle the world.
Tonight I am thankful for my oldest daughter. She was my teacher. She taught me how to look beyond myself. she taught me how to grow up. She schooled me on being a mother. You might say she "broke me in"
I have regrets. I regret that I didn't give her more time. I thought I had lots of it. Little did I know how fast it would fly. I regret that I wasn't more nurturing. I made the mistake of thinking that because she was so independent that she didn't need me so much. She seemed to be able to do so much on her own and I left her to do it. I see now that she may not have voiced how much she needed me but the need was there.
For all the things I did wrong, Katherine, I ask your forgiveness. For all the things I did right I don't take the credit. It was either divinely inspired or plain old dumb luck. I miss you tonight. Thank you for being my little girl.