Self Worth

I have a little secret. I have been struggling with self worth. To tell you the truth I have been struggling with self worth since the day I emerged from my mother's womb and let out that first scream that said "Look here! Eyes on me! Tell me my life is going to mean something!" I struggled with it as a child, growing up in a broken home and as a teenager who sat on the sidelines at school and church and watched everybody else. I hated that I was so different. I didn't play by the same rules as everybody else seemed to. I didn't care about popularity at school, I was creative and artistic and I talked a lot. Way too much, I thought. I hated the way I looked. I had curly hair that would never stay in place. I craved control over every single part of my life and my curly hair defied me right down to the last little wiry strand. So as my teen age years slid by my self loathing hit an all time low. I wanted to die. Just check out. No point in this worthless life anymore, if this was how it was going to be. Suicide wasn't an option for me mostly because I didn't have the nerve (thank God!) but I thought about it a lot.
If I thought that I was going to find my worth in my twenties I was mistaken. I had some high years, I got married and had kids. For a while the kids held the feelings I had about myself at bay, but as they grew up and needed me less, the worthlessness returned with a vengeance. I was a stay at home mom, no job, no career, husband gone a lot of the time. I had lots of time to think. And I didn't like my thoughts. Who was I? I had to be more than just Mom to the kids and Wife to the husband. I needed to justify my breathing space on Earth and I wasn't living up to my own expectations. Or anybody elses, it seemed. Losing weight hadn't given me the self worth I needed. I felt better about myself but with every ounce that I gained back I felt a deepening depression that I wasn't even capable of doing that right. Didn't feel like I could do ANYTHING right. I had been a Christian for a long time. Well I called myself that anyway. One day all of my spinning plates(marriage, kids, finances, house) came crashing down around me and buried me under the debris of my own life. I sat out in my back yard and cried. And cried. And cried some more. I again felt worthless. I decided I wanted to go to California and open up a boutique on the beach and get as far away from here as possible, which was ridiculous, because aside from the fact that I would never leave my kids, I knew zilch about boutiques, or running a business, or even how I would get to California with zero money. As I sat out there under those trees I had a revelation. I was not a Christian. Maybe at one time I had been, but I wasn't living as if I believed in a Living God anymore. I did what I wanted when I wanted and God really didn't cross my mind very much. I realized that I had been trying to give myself worth through all kinds of things; my dieting, my art, my writing, my photography, my kids, my marriage, and my old house. And none of it was working. These things were all part of me, but I was trying to make them define me. I realized that these things are only temporal. What happens when I'm fat, when my writing, art, and photography are gone? When the kids grow up? If my marriage fails? If I lose my house? Am I still worth something? The answer is a whispered "Yes" in my heart. I hear God tell me that I am worthy of my space on Earth for no other reason than that He created me. And loved me enough to exchange his Son's life for mine. I don't have to do anything, prove anything, look a certain way, act a certain way, just be His; completely His. Some days I still struggle. I have had words thrown at me that wounded me deeply, made me question my worth, made me feel like I've lost it. But then I find myself driving down the road, CD blaring, singing "How Great Thou Art" at the top of my lungs and suddenly I know I've found my worth again. He thinks I am worth loving, He thinks I am worth caring for, He loves all my quirky ways, curly hair and freckles included. He knows I talk too much, and sometimes say the wrong thing, but He loves me anyway. Who am I to argue?
If your self worth has taken a beating lately, know this. You are valuable. No matter the circumstance you find yourself in, your worth is inestimable. You are not just a lump of matter, you have been formed by the hand of God. YOU matter.

God help me remember that my
self worth comes not from
my weight, my photographs
my writing, or how much
money I have in the bank.

Help me not to limit myself to these
Earthly things
but to look to Heaven
to properly see
my worth.