Falling Short

Sometimes I get angry at myself for my shortcomings. I think by now I should surely "have it together", after all, I am almost forty years old(ha ha). I think I might have almost been on the brink of "having it together", once about two years ago, on the day that I finished losing seventy pounds. That day was a highlight for me because I had accomplished a huge goal and I felt that anything was possible. After that, for a time, it was all I could do to get out of bed and do my daily chores. I lost all my motivation to do anything with my life. Without any motivation to do anything, and nothing to do but clean house and take care of the kids I began to be depressed. I always thought that that would be the perfect dream. I could stay home and putter around with no deadlines no where to go and nobody expected anything from me, except said clean house. I got to where I just did nothing all day except watch CSI and sleep. I was deeply unsatisfied with my dead life and angry with myself for not being able to get over it and fulfill my plans. I began to fall short of my own expectations and I knew it and I was miserable.
But it didn't stop there. I also fell short of God's goals and expectations. The Bible said I would. It says "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God". But it doesn't stop there either. It also says Behold the Lord's hand is not so short that it cannot save, nor his ear so dull that it cannot hear. I see myself on the far side of a Grand Canyon, for lack of a better term. I see God on the other side. I cannot reach him even if I stretch as far as I can go. I fall short. But his arm is long. He can reach across and save me from myself and all my screw ups. Not to say there won't be future screw ups, but I don't live there, in the well of sorrow that a lifetime full of mistakes and wrong turns will drown you in. The Bible says God's mercies are new every morning. So every morning I wake up with new hope. Today I will be a better parent than I was yesterday. Today I will be a better wife. A better daughter. A better sister. A better niece.
And with repentance comes not only change in action and attitude, There is also a lightening of the load I seem to be carrying around. God certainly knows I need this load taken off my shoulders. Sometimes I see myself as a pack ass loaded down with so many burdens and worries that I can't possible keep my sanity for one more minute. Sometimes too, I think of myself as madly spinning more plates than I can ever possibly hope to keep in the air. Either way it is an unbelievable relief to just finally let it all go and let God take care of those things.
I find it ironic that the things that weigh me down the most are the realized desires of my heart. I love my family, I love being a mother, I love being a wife, I love my home, my dog, my car. But with each of these blessings comes a responsibility that is weighty. If you are not careful you can become "trapped by your blessings", as my best friend of *muffled number* years and I were discussing a few weeks ago. This is a feeling of losing control over your life and many blessings and your blessings begin to control you. There is not enough time in the day to do the things which really matter and you feel like you are drowning in the mundane and you will never ever rise to the top. Let me tell you it is a hopeless, horrible feeling.
I too became "trapped by my blessings". Last summer I was so overwhelmed that I would go out in my backyard and sit down under my big tree and cry and cry and cry.
I never had time to do anything I wanted or really needed to do, (except cry) I was completely exhausted. I was tired of being a mother, tired of being a wife and just like George Bailey, in It's a Wonderful Life, I was sick of my drafty old house.
Winter, which usually finds me in the doldrums because of the dreary weather, this year has been a total surprise. I began, right after Christmas, to spend time with God every day. I began to make it a priority to worship him no matter what is on the agenda. The changes I began to see in myself amazed me. I don't feel overwhelmed anymore. I have my days where things may get me down, but as I said earlier, I don't live in the well of despair anymore. I am so thankful that God's arm is long enough to rescue me from myself. It certainly makes life worth living again.