bag lady blues

Blame it on Ed Begley jr. Blame it on HGTV. Blame it on the rain. Well, okay, blame it on me.
One day, not too long ago, I realized I had a problem on my hands. A habit, you might say, was quickly getting out of control. I was a bag collector. You know, those plastic bags that you get from wal mart, or just about anywhere you go now days.
It started out small, just a bag here, and a bag there. I would stash one under the sink after a grocery run and forget about it. Soon, though, I was stashing the bags by the dozens. I couldn't stop myself. I knew I had a problem, the day the cabinet doors under the sink wouldn't stay shut anymore. It started to bother me, this overabundance of bags. Now, I know they have bag recycling centers, all over the place, but I could never seem to remember the bags until I would leave the house. I began to hate the bags and the havoc they were wreaking on my life. I couldn't find the dishwashing detergent, or the furniture polish, because the bags got in the way. Once I tried to beat the problem on my own  by bagging up all of the bags, and taking them out to the garage. I swore I would remember to take them to the recycling center, but I never did; and it wasn't long before they began peeking out from under the kitchen sink, once again.
Then, one night last summer, while watching Living with Ed, a celeb reality show, starring Ed Begley Jr, featuring his views on environmental issues, I decided to do something about it. The next time I went to the store, I waited until nobody was looking, and I bought a cloth bag. The next time I went back, I bought two more. Pretty soon, I had a dozen bags stashed in the mudroom, ready to grab as I walked out the back door.
Then it happened. I went into the store, and forgot my bags. What to do, what to do. I leaned over close to the cashier, and said in a whisper, "I don't need a bag". He looked at me like I was from outer space, and then said very loudly to the bag boy, "SHE DOESN'T WANT ANY BAGS. NO BAGS." He emphasized his words with a wild chopping motion in the air. NO BAGS.
The next time I forgot my bags, I told the bag boy to load everything he could get into one bag. " I hate those bags," I said. "The less I have the better." Again, the strange look. Then he proceeded to triple bag me, "so the bag won't break," he said. I just sighed as I walked out behind the man who pushed the cart. I might have rolled my eyes and muttered to myself audibly as we made our way to the car.
Sometimes, now, I will go into a store without my bags. If that happens, and I don't have too many things, I will do just  what Ed does. I just carry things out A la carte, and try not to drop everything while I'm juggling my plastic soda bottle and plastic milk jug with the car keys that go to my non hybrid gas guzzler.
Well, I guess it's pretty clear, Ed still has a lot of work to do. Maybe next week I will learn how to toast my bread while riding a bicycle...Well...probably not.